Did I tell you my boyfriend's a Weasley?
by Jess'n'Forge
Summary: Prepare your knife sharpener and shine your mace because Jess is back, and with vengeance for her last year at Hogwarts! Meeting Umbridge seems to have brought about a new round of crazy-ness and she's determined to knock her off her high horse, or drown her, what ever comes first. Sequel to "Did I tell you my best friends a Weasley?"
1. I've got a gun you can borrow

**And this is the fabulous new story to my finished fanfiction "Did I tell you my best friend's a Weasley" **

**A few things you should know if you're a first time reader, if you HAVEN'T read "Did I tell you my best friend's" Then this may not make much sence to you and I suggest that you do that. If you have then WELCOME BACK! **

**This story, as well as my other one is slightly...different, in the way that my main character is completely crazy and has a love for sharp objects, namely hatchets and maces. But that's okay, we're all crazy at heart. **

**I hope you enjoy this, I would love some rewiews early on, any funny ideas that Jess could do, I take everything you suggest into consideration! **

**I love you all! **

* * *

"You know," I said, yawning, "we could just try to make them wireless, then we could plant them around the house and tune into them when needs be, like a radio." I picked up an extendable ear from one of the boxes on Fred bed; the twins were sitting on George's looking dejectedly towards the ears.

It was half way through the summer holidays; the Weasley's, Hermione and I were all staying at Sirius' old house. Also known as "The Order of the Phoenix's head-quarters" we were trying to figure out an easier way of listening in on the top-secret meetings they had daily in the kitchen, opposed the old-fashioned method of dangling an extendable ear down the stairs and hoping no one catches you. Mainly because this way seemed to be getting us into a lot of trouble with Molly, and everyone knows, when Molly's angry with one person, unless you're Harry-Bloody-Potter, everyone's blamed.

"How the hell are we supposed to do that, though?" Fred demanded, throwing his hands in the air in sheer exasperation.

"Dunno yet. But the muggles figured out how to do it with phones and those walkie-talkie things;

and they did that _without_ magic. So it can't be that difficult."

Midway through my sentence muffled yelling started, steadily getting louder until it was possible to decipher every word.

"I do believe that's Harry's dulcet tones." I stated from my position on the bed.

"I believe you're right." George said quickly, so we could listen in.

"WHO HAD TO GET PAST DRAGONS AND SPHINXES AND EVERY OTHER FOUL THING LAST YEAR? WHO SAW _HIM_ COME BACK? WHO HAD TO ESCAPE FROM HIM? ME!" Harry's voice boomed up the stairs.

"He didn't escape from Moldemort,' I said, (heh, see what I did there?), "I saved his sorry ass. I saved it twice in that Tournament, where's reference to my heroism in his angry rant? I'm hurt, deeply."

"He seems a bit tense doesn't he?" Fred said, grinning once again, seemingly forgetting our ear problem.

"Let's go see if we can cheer him up with our delightful sense of humour," George suggested, clapping his hands together.

With that they both apparated out of the room. I sighed as I made my way out of the room and down the few stairs leading to Ron's bedroom at 12 Grimmauld Place.

"Ah, I thought I heard your dulcet tones, Harry," George said, grinning broadly from ear-to-ear at him.

"You just repeated exactly what I said upstairs!" I accused, crossing my arms and leaning against the door frame.

George, who was still grinning turned to me, an evil twinkle in his eyes, he raised his eyebrows at me, "yeah, so? What you gonna do about it?"

I couldn't keep the grin off my face, "cheeky bastard," I muttered as he came over to me, wrapping his arms around my waist.

"I'm sorry," he murmured into my hair, "I didn't quite catch that."

"You don't want to bottle that anger up, Harry. Let it all out," said Fred; who was beaming just a moment ago, but was now rolling his eyes at me and George.

"Yes," I added, "there may have been people 50 miles away who didn't hear you."

"You know," Ron stated, shuddering, "it's really creepy how you all do that, you know, finishing each other's sentences."

Ron's statement was ignored, much like a lot of things he says.

"You lot passed your apparition test then?" Asked Harry, still a little grumpy.

"Georgie and I did, with distinction. Little-miss sunshine here on the other hand, failed quite miserably."

"Pfftt…" I rolled my eyes, "It was my first test, and I'm sorry, Oh Wonderful One, that I miscalculated slightly."

"Slightly!"Exclaimed George, "you ended up in Switzerland!"

Harry's face lit up as he turned to me for confirmation, from the look on his face, the expression on mine must have given it.

"I was aiming for Switzerland, thank you very much," I replied in a dignified-at-all-times manner. I think it worked.

Ron looked puzzled; he was looking up at the ceiling as if he were thinking very hard about something, "but…but _why _would you want to go _there_?" he asked, bewildered.

"She didn't, Ron, you moron," Fred sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose as if very put out, "she's just trying to cover it up-"

"Noooo… I'm not, they have goats there, and cheese, it's practically a paradise."

Hermione chipped in then, "what makes you say that?"

"A book I read about it," I replied.

"What book? And I didn't know you read."

"I don't, it was a punishment. It was called "Heidi" it was basically about a little girl who lived with her grandfather on a mountain, and looked after goats, and EVERY DAY eats cheese, they're all obsessed with it."

She sighed and began to talk as if talking to a child or the mentally impaired, "Heidi is a novel about the events in the life of a young girl in her grandfather's care, in the Swiss Alps."

"That's what I said."

"That's not all though" George said, talking to Harry and Ron, a malicious look in his eyes, as he throws a smirk in my direction.

Realisation spread through me, he was going to tell them a very embarrassing fact that happened on my adventure via Switzerland.

"Don't," I said sternly.

"Dear old, Jess here ended up in Switzerland, that's true, but it's what _on_ that's the true comedic part of it all."

"George, I swear, I'll cut you!"

"Jess apparated on an old,Switz…Pensioner." He said, pausing between each word, "the old maid was luckily a witch, going about her daily stroll with her eleven cats."

"She was fine, George!" I yelled, then turning to Harry, "she was fine!"

"Fine my ass!" Fred yelled, laughing, "you busted her hip!"

"She was old; it was on its way out anyway!"

Ron who was watching the conversation in silent giggles like it was a tennis match suddenly fell to the floor, rolling about laughing.

"Hey, Ron?" I called, he looked up, "enjoy your last few hours, okay?" He gulped loudly as I beamed down at him sadistically, savouring the satisfaction of his suddenly terrified face, then exited the room.

* * *

**(A/N: Just thought I should mention that the discussion that Harry had with Sirius DOES happen, with all the questions, you know that one? Well, Jess is there, I began writing it out, but I honestly don't see the point of it, aside from Jess thinking "whipping your wands out for everything" was funny it's pretty much exactly like the book, and that's boring, SO I'm going to skip ahead to theday of Harry's trial. Fun city!)**

* * *

I woke up a little after half past five on the day of my second apparition test, hearing someone whom I assumed to be Harry moving about.

I sat up and rubbed my eyes, I'd forgotten this time of the morning even existed, it should be illegal.

I got up and dressed as quickly and quietly as I could, but after jumping around on one foot while trying to put one of my socks on and falling over, I realised both the girls I shared my room with slept like the dead… unless they are dead… I'll go check…

If they are I'll get blamed for murdering them, I'll have to go on the run if they are, no way in hell am I going to Azkaban. Not after seeing what it does to people first hand from Sirius.

Thank god, they're alive, I don't have to go into hiding and live with a wild pack of Alsatians. Oh… and their lives matter to me too. I'm happy they're not dead because I like them. God, I'm not that horrible, I do actually care about them.

_You do realise you're having a conversation in your head like you're talking to someone right now, right?_

Yes, brain, I know it and accept it.

Ginny and Hermione were sleeping in their beds and not dead. Ginny was curled up on her side, her knees touching her chin. Whereas Hermione was on her back, her arms above the covers and down by her sides in a very military like fashion.

I resisted the urge to draw crude things on their faces, (I should get a reward) and went downstairs.

In the kitchen sat Mr and Mrs Weasley, Sirius and Remus, along with Tonks and Harry. They were all fully dressed apart from Mrs Weasley, who was wearing a quilted purple dressing gown and was bustling around the kitchen making Harry some breakfast.

"Do you want some breakfast too, Jess dear?" She called over her shoulder, it wasn't a question though, I would be getting breakfast whether I wanted it or not.

Sirius patted the top of the chair next to him, "sit" he said.

"What do you want for breakfast," Mrs Weasley asked, "porridge? Muffins?Kippers?Bacon and Eggs?Toast?"

"Errr… C-can I have Mu-Muffins, please, Molly?" I asked, stifling yawns.

Mr Weasley, who had been talking to Tonks, was not wearing wizard robes, but a pair of pin-striped trousers and an old bomber jacket, turned to Harry.

"How are you feeling?"

Harry shrugged.

"It'll be over soon," Mr Weasley said bracingly, "in a few hours' time you'll be cleared."

Harry still said nothing.

"The hearing's on my floor, in Amelia Bone's office. She's head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, and the one who'll be questioning you."

"Amelia Bone's is okay, Harry," said Tonks earnestly, "she's fair, she'll hear you out."

Harry nodded, seemingly still unable to think of anything to say.

"Don't lose your temper,' said Sirius abruptly, "be polite and stick to the facts."

Harry nodded again.

"But if you do lose your temper, Harry,' I said, 'I've got a gun you can borrow, she'll never see it coming, and they won't think to ask you to hand in a gun."

"Jessica!" Molly scolded.

"I don't really, Molly!" I said, hands raised in a surrender.

Once she turned away I mouthed, so only Harry, Sirius, Remus and Tonks could see, "I do if you need it," and pointed to my pocket.

"Can we keep her, Moony, please?" Sirius asked Remus, to which Remus smiled.

"I don't think Molly would let you, Padfoot."

"But she's so funny, she sort of reminds me of a mini me."

"I think you'll find that I'm comedy genius, and not for sale," I said to Sirius, as Remus had turned back to Harry.

"The laws on your side,' Remus quietly stated, "Even underage wizards are allowed to use magic in life threatening situations."

Before Harry could answer however, Molly came out with my muffins and a wet comb and attempted to tame Harry's hair, or should I say "mane".

"Doesn't it ever lie flat?" She asked desperately, Harry shook him head in answer.

Once I had finished my muffins and Mrs Weasley had stopped attacking Harry's head, Mr Weasley checked his watch before looking up at Harry and me.

"I think we'll go now, we're a bit early, but I think you'll be better off at the Ministry then hanging around here."

Both Harry and I got up.

"Good luck, both of you, and Jess, darling, please try to stay in the country this time?" Molly asked, pulling me into a hug before reaching for Harry.

"This country?" Sirius asked.

Oh, no.

"Yes, it's a quite a funny story actually-" Molly began.

I turned to Mr Weasley, "please let's go now."

* * *

As we walked past the large golden water fountain in the middle of a large plaza following behind Mr Weasley, Harry stopped briefly, staring at the fountain. He started muttering quietly to himself. Because of this, many people nearly walked straight into him, others had to walk around him with scowls on their faces.

"You know Harry," I said to him, "you're really not helping yourself with all these rumours and stories about you being crazy, you know the ones that have been in the Prophet, by randomly muttering to yourself in a public place."

He turned to me, "I wasn't talking to myself," he retorted.

"What were you talking to then?" I questioned.

He paused for a moment, "the water fountain…"

"Inanimate objects are no better."

"Whatever."

"Well, I'm sorry, next time I'll just let you look like a nutcase in front of hundreds of people"

"You can't say much, the whole school thinks you're mental."

"Now, that was just mean, completely below the belt," I accused; what a strop pot he is.

Once we had gotten outside of a large oak door that led into the room where the apparition test was being held, Mr Weasley turned to me, gripping my shoulders.

"Now, Jess. I know you can do this, _you_ know you can do this. Just remember to focus; I don't think I can stand another week of Fred, George and you constantly teasing each other all because of this."

I opened my mouth to respond, but quickly closed it again, he was far from finished.

"Just… try not to think of goats or whatever you thought of last time. You're a smart girl, just _please," _he begged, "if you care about my sanity, pass the test."

Again I was about to speak, this time to tell him how much sanity was overrated, and how I'd turned out just fine and I'd been insane since I was a foetus, but before I got it out he opened the door and pushed me inside.

* * *

Inside the room were a group of misfits. A couple of people were my age, a few a little older, a few looked like they were in their late 20's early 30's, and one man, stood away from the rest of the group, who could easily be 70.

"You're late," said a stern looking man who had begun addressing the group, I fought the sarcastic remark that was in my head and simply apologised.

"So as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted," said the man, as he smoothed down his moustache, "there will be 3 parts of this exam and they will be much like the ones you encountered in school."

I looked at the old man, if you could remember that far back…

The examiner looked around at everyone, stopping on each face individually.

"The first, is to merely apparate from this hoop," he gestured to a line of hoops on the floor, "too another," he continued.

"The second is for you too apparate with your eyes closed, into the same hoop. And finally, the last part is for you to apparate to the next room. You will take it in turns and then walk back through this door," he pointed to a door on the opposite side of the room to the one which I had entered through.

* * *

I passed the first two parts of the tests perfectly, gaining a round of applause from the examiner.

It was the last part of the test that I had messed up on the first time round, I started thinking of the cheese sandwich that I would have at lunch, and suddenly Voilà, Switzerland.

When the time eventually came for me to do the test I stepped forward, took a deep breath, closed my eyes and spun on the spot.

The sound that answered my ears wasn't what I was expecting. I looked around to see that I was in the middle of a very sandy place; I turned to find a young girl with a large lolly-pop in her hand and a T-shirt saying "I love Egypt," she stood gaping at me as if I had just turned up out of thin air. Oh, yeah… heh, heh, I had.

"It's rude to stare," I said, before snatching her lollypop and turned on the spot.

I landed on my feet in the next room. A man smiled at me when I looked at him.

"Perfectly executed" he said in an offhanded manner. HAHAH, they don't know I just ended up in Egypt and stole a child's lolly-pop! I am the winner!

I walked back into the next room, where the examiner looked at the lolly-pop in my hand for a second before slightly shaking his head.

"Congratulations." He handed me a certificate and swept his arm towards the door.

"Thanks"

With that I left the room grinning smugly to myself as I licked my lolly-pop.

* * *

And that's the end of my first chapter, hope you liked it!

Remember to review, seriously, I love them and have a mimi heart-attack everytime I get a new one.


	2. That might be illegal Oh well

Much to my happiness Molly didn't ask how the test went, she only asked if I'd passed it or not, which of course I replied with "Yes, I did" and I wasn't lying. I did pass it, it's not my fault those examiners don't have a better Apparation testing system.

This meant that I didn't have to explain to her that, technically, I didn't pass it, and I didn't have to act like I didn't end up in Egypt, expose magic to a young Muggle child, then steal from that same Muggle child. Because I don't think they would be to happy with me, and I have a slight hunch that it might be illegal, but only a slight hunch, no need to say anything to anyone, right?

I, of course, told the Twins about my trip to Egypt, but only after they persuaded it out of me with chocolate. I love me some chocolate. We laughed about it for a while, until Ginny came in and demanded to know what was so funny. In the end, Fred, who had always found it hard to resist Ginny's puppy dog eyes, told her. Of course you can imagine what happened then. It spiralled out of control.

Ginny told Ron about it, Harry who over heard Ginny telling Ron, told Sirius who of course, told Remus, Remus told Tonks, who told Mad-eye, who… Well he didn't tell anyone else. But Tonks also told Bill, who told Charlie who Owled back to Bill, seriously considering Owling Percy about it and saying "What do you think of your perfect little Ministry now?" At this point I was seriously considering asking Mundungus if he could sell me a bomb, wipe them all out, I thought, only way to contain my secret. But then after realising he'd probably want to know why I was doing it, I decided against it. I'd have to tell him too, and who knows who he'll tell? Oh yeah, and I have morals… I would never want blow up my extended family and friends. Ha-ha, what you talking about?

After threatening most of them violently, they agreed not to tell Mrs Weasley or Hermione, who would tell Mr Weasley and probably alert the media.

Sirius, who had been getting increasingly moodier and surlier as the days passed spent most of his time shut up in his mother's room with Buckbeak. Only ever really coming out for dinner when we had company. That's why, when I heard that Remus, Tonks, Kinsley, mad-eye and a few others from the Order such as Charlie and Bill where going to be joining us I hatched a plan to make him feel a bit better, A wonderful, hilarious and somewhat bonkers plan, that was about to start any second now.

I heard everyone from the first floor talking to themselves, I entered the room through the door and took my designated seat across from Sirius.

Once I'd sat down I waited as everyone piled their plates with food and started eating, talking between themselves happily.

Earlier in the day I'd sent an Owl out to Molly that read something along the lines of "Dear Mrs. Weasley, we are sorry to inform you that Jessica, blah, blah, blah." Basically talking about how bad I am at school, and how she needs to keep a closer eye on me in the future. Nothing that she hadn't been trying to do already, not to worry, this won't mess anything up for me.

She read through it, tuting and scowled at me, "You know what this is young lady? This is a formal complaint about your behaviour at school. Not even the twins have done enough to get one of these."

From across the table Bill gave me a thumbs us as Charlie winked, thinking it was real, they're such good role models.

Molly wasn't finished yet though, "what have you been doing?" She asked, I internally sighed in relief, if she didn't ask this, the plan wouldn't have worked. POINT TO ME!

I shrugged, "You know, a little of this, a little of that. They weren't too pleased when I started making fake cheat sheets for the Owls. Apparently I'm not allowed to ink Brains feet" I said, Brain is my Owl by the way, "and have him walk across parchment, and sell the results as cheat sheets for Ancient Runes, even if Crabbe and Goyle keep falling for it."

Hermione and Molly gasped at the same time, "That was YOU?" Hermione squealed, horrified, "that's so…wrong"

"Well, you know what I say, if they're dishonest enough to buy cheat sheets, they deserve it."

She gave me a stony eyed expression, clearly asking me to tell her what else I'd done. "Oh, and I've been told that The giant Squid is not to be referred to as 'my lord Cthulhu,' nor am I allowed to sacrifice first years to it on a new moon, which sucks."

A booming laugh bounced off the walls as Sirius laughed out loud along with most of the inhabitants of Grimmauld Place. They may be Wizards and not know what things like a Mobile phone one rubber ducks are, but they know who lord Cthulhu is.

"Don't forget the time when you got detention for drawing a dark mark on Ron's arm while he was sleeping." Ginny piped up, I grinned fondly at the memory.

* * *

Sirius and I then went on to tell funny stories about things we'd done at school; mine normally had the Twins in it. Whereas his nearly always contained Harry's Father, James, which made Harry very happy, so I made two people's days nice today. You know what that means? Yup, I don't have to do a kind deed for someone else, for at least a year.

* * *

It was the last day of summer until we had to go back to Hogwarts, I Apparated into Harry's room, after hearing the voices of Fred and George coming from inside it.

"BAM" I screamed, hoping to make them all jump, but the Twins, Harry and Ron had come so accustomed to me doing this that they treated it like I had just walked through the door.

Everyone was looking at Ron confused as he stood in the middle of his room, clutching his Hogwarts letter, his mouth slightly open, gaping at it.

"What's the matter?" said Fred impatiently, moving around Ron to look over his shoulder at the parchment.

Fred's mouth fell open too.

"Prefect?" he said, staring incredulously at the letter. _"Prefect?"_

George leapt forwards, seized the envelope in Ron's other hand and turned it upside down. Something scarlet and gold fell into George's palm.

I snatched the piece of parchment out of Ron's grip and read through it, before throwing my head back and laughing.

"No way," said George in a hushed voice.

"There's been a mistake," said Fred, taking the letter from me and holding it up to the light, as though checking for a watermark. "No one in their right mind would make Ron a prefect."

The twins' heads turned in unison and both of them stared at Harry.

"We thought you were a cert!" said Fred, in a tone that suggested Harry had tricked them in some way.

"We thought Dumbledore was _bound _to pick you" I said, my eyebrows furrowed.

"Winning the Triwizard and everything," said Fred.

"I supposed all the mad stuff must've counted against him," said George to Fred and me.

"Yeah," said Fred slowly. "Yeah, you've caused too much trouble, mate. Well, at least one of you's got their priorities right."

He strode over to Harry and clapped him on the back while giving Ron a scathing look.

"_Prefect_ … ickle Ronnie the Prefect."

"Ohh, Mum's going to be revolting," groaned George, thrusting the Prefect badge back at Ron as though it might contaminate him.

I sat on Harry's or Ron's bed and watched the scene before me. Hermione came in, thinking that Harry was the one who got the badge, Harry quickly told her that he hadn't it was Ron's. Then Molly came in, asking for book lists and asked Ron what colour Pyjamas he wanted, as she was going to get him new ones.

"Get him red and gold to match his badge," said George, smirking. I smiled to myself; he's so mean to Ron, why the hell do I find that so attractive?

"Match his what?" said Molly absently, rolling up a pair of maroon socks and placing them on Ron's pile.

"His _badge_," said Fred, with the air of getting the worst over quickly, I moved from the bed and hid behind George, Molly get's crazy when she's exited. George gripped my hand, stroking the back of it with his thumb as he smirked at my position behind him.

"His lovely new _prefect's badge." _

Fred's words took a moment to penetrate Molly's pre-occupation with pyjamas.

"His… but... Ron, you're not?"

Ron held up his badge. I hid behind George more, peeking out from one of his sides.

Molly let out a shriek just like Hermione's.

"I don't believe it! I don't believe it! Oh, Ron how wonderful! A prefect! That's everyone in the family!'"  
"What are Fred, Jess and I, next-door neighbors?" said George indignantly, as Molly pushed him and me aside and flung her arms around her youngest son.

Molly stared blubbering on and on about how happy she was, and how she was going to tell Arthur when he gets back. "Oh what a thing to happen in the middle of all this worry, I'm just thrilled, oh, _Ronnie -"_

Fred, George and I were making retching noises behind her back but Molly, didn't notice; arms tight around Ron's neck, she was kissing him all over his face, which turned a brighter scarlet then his badge.

Molly and Ron continued to talk but I wasn't paying attention. I stared at the side of George's face, as he watched his Mother and brother talk, his face stretched into a wide smile, pulling out the laugh lines I saw daily. He turned his head and caught me staring; he looked a bit confused at first, his eyebrows rose. I continued to look at him, not caring that he was watching me to it. Suddenly he took my chin in one of his large hands and tilted it up towards his face. He placed a soft kiss on my lips and then pulled away. I leaned up and caught his lips with mine another time, before sighing satisfied.

I'd forgotten that there were other people in the room, so I quickly turned to see that Ron and Molly weren't looking in out direction.

She gave Ron yet another kiss on the cheek, sniffed loudly then bustled from the room.

"You don't mind if we don't kiss you, do you, Ron?" said Fred in a falsely anxious voice.

"We could curtsy, if you like," said George.

"Oh, shut up," said Ron, scowling at them.

"Or, what?" said Fred, an evil grin spreading across his face. "Going to put is in detention."

"I'd love to see him try," I sniggered.

"He could if you don't watch out!" said Hermione angrily.

Fred, George and I burst out laughing, Ron muttered, "Drop it Hermione."

"We're going to have to watch our step," said Fred pretending to tremble, "with these two on our case."

"It looks like out law braking days are finally over," I said shaking my head.

And with another loud crack we Disapparated out of the room.

* * *

Not the best chapter I admit, but it's sort of a filler until she get's back to Hogwarts, then shit gunna go down. I'm actually really looking forward to it. xD

As per-usual, review or... I'll set Jess on you, and you know what I'm going to do? Yeah, I'm going to be an ass, I'm demanding at least 6 reviews, until I update. Yeah, TAKE THAT!


	3. Mrs B, you flirt!

Right, little before word, **please read it all, thank you**. I don't normally do these, but I've had an issue, you see. I ask for reviews, and believe me, I LOVE them. But you honestly don't know how much of a disappointment it is when I look at it and it's just "update soon" I mean I WAS GOING TO ANYWAY!

So please, refrain from that. Honestly, If it means less reviews then fine.

If you CAN find it in your hearts to leave me a nice LONG review. That would be AMAZING, AND **I will answer any privet questions ANYTHING about the story to you.** That's right, if you want to know "Hey, is Jess going to die"

**I'LL ANSWER** **IT!** So, GO ON, write me a lovely juicy long review, you know you want to. ;)

* * *

After waking up in a pleasant mood, I remembered the date, and the fact that my day's of sleep-in's are over.

Bloody wonderful, now as well as being dubbed as a crazy person at school, I'm also going to be cranky, making me 99.9% more likely to murder someone, which, to be totally honest wouldn't be too bad. I mean, I'm at a crucial stage of my growing up, this is around about the time most children try new things. Sure, murder isn't at the top of most people's lists, but what can I say, I'm different.

After getting my self up and changed I met Fred and George at the top of the stairs, they were muttering something to each other about bewitching their trunks to go down the stairs. This sounds like a fabulous opportunity if you ask me, a little bit of danger will do me good.

"Can I sit on one of them, when they go down?" I asked, "Please? Pleasey?"

They both looked at me, considering it for a moment. Fred shrugged his shoulders.

"What could go wrong?"

"Errr, she could break her neck," George said, scowling, "so, no. No you can't."

"You've gotten so _boring_ since you've gotten a girlfriend." Fred said, exasperated.

"No I haven't, I just happen to still want a girlfriend, one that's_ alive_, come tomorrow."

Fred rolled his eyes as he flicked his wand in the direction of the two trunks, successfully bewitching them and sending them down the stairs.

After a moment or two a loud 'Thunk' echoed up the stairs, followed by a female screaming.

There was a lot of commotion before Molly charged up the stairs, taking two at a time, screaming at the top of her voice.

"- YOU COULD HAVE DONE HER SERIOUS INJURY, YOU IDIOTS-"

"For once I had nothing to do with this." I stated, bringing my hands up in front of me, palms facing her, I nodded in the direction of my trunk, which still stood beside my legs to show I was telling the truth.

Molly nodded her head once, and motioned for me to leave before fixing her famous glare on the twins once more.

The twins, for once, didn't flinch away from her stare, because they were too busy gawking at me, as I sat on my own trunk; that was positioned at the edge of the staircase, saluted them and pushed off.

"JESSICA WHESTONE! GET YOUR-" Molly's voice echoed from above before it came too quiet to hear above the screams of Sirius' Mother.

"- FILTHY HALF-BREEDS, BESMIRCHING THE HOUSE OF MY FATHERS-"

I landed at the bottom of the stairs in one piece, giggling madly.

Remus and Sirius stood next to the portrait of Mrs Black, desperately trying to close the curtains to shut her up.

When I entered they looked around and grinned as if remembering a happy memory.

"You two should try that sometime, it's enough to blow the wrinkles off your face!"

Mrs Black looked at me with fury as I spoke, as if talking was suddenly a crime; she hated me and Hermione with vengeance, as we are "Mudbloods".

"Hello beautiful, see you're pleased to see me."

"MUDBLOODS! SCUM! CREAUTRES OF DIRT!" she screamed in response.

"You're such a flirt, Mrs B, I've told you, I have a boyfriend!"

"Can you _not _provoke her? Just for one day, please?" Sirius panted, as he struggled to close the curtain.

* * *

Molly ran down the stairs in a state of panic after realising the time. She quickly counted the heads of all the children stood around her in the narrow hallway. "4, 5-" She stopped, her lips pursed as she looked around for the last two children that should be stood here with us.

"WILL YOU GET DOWN HERE NOW, PLEASE!" Molly bellowed up the stairs.

Mrs Black's portrait continued to howl in rage, but nobody was bothering to close the curtains over her anymore.

Harry and Hermione, the two who had been missing from the headcount earlier made their way down the stairs soon after. Both Harry and Hermione were dragging their trunks and pets after them

Before long Molly had us all separate into groups, groups that we would be travelling to Kings cross station in.

It takes roughly twenty minutes to reach kings cross station on foot, so once I got inside the station I let out a breath of air, whole heartedly praising Merlin and his baggy Y-fronts that I didn't have to walk for much longer, I was half temped to fall to the floor and kiss it, but 1) I thought that would be to over dramatic, and 2) well…

I was stuck with Mad-eye, you see. He had everyone's luggage piled up high on a large trolley. I was stuck with him mainly because Molly no longer trusted me around Muggle's, which, in my opinion at least, it completely stupid. I am half Muggle after all.

Moody had a porter's cap pulled low over his mismatched eyes, making him (if you ask me, and you should, I'm hilarious) look like a crazy person.

As we walked through the crowd, when we were on our way to the platform, I had a _huge_ urge to say "you were so much younger looking and nicer on the internet."

Just to see what the Muggle's would say. But I contained myself. I honestly feel I deserve a medal.

I giggled to myself once the images of horrified and angry Muggle faces filled my head.

"What are you gigglin' about? Nothing Illegal going through your head, I hope," he growled, probably looking at me through the hat with his magic eye.

It had been the second time he'd spoken to me, while on out little day trip. The first being when we left and he had told me not to draw attention to ourselves. It wouldn't have mattered if I had a large penis growing on my forehead; he's the one that would draw attention.

Well… maybe people would look at me, but that doesn't matter right now.

* * *

Anyhow, once through the platform and standing next to the Hogwarts express Molly, after catching sight of us, gave out a visible sigh of relief.

"Oh good!" she said, sounding relieved, "here's Alastair and Jess with the luggage, look…"

"All okay," Mad-eye muttered to Molly and Tonks, "I don't think we were followed."

"And did Jess behave herself?" Molly asked, mainly aimed at me.

"Yes," I responded, "Jess behaved explicitly."

Molly tutted to herself ay my comment, as if it were childish.

Seconds later, Mr Weasley emerged on the platform with Ron and Hermione.

We had almost unloaded all the luggage Moody and I (Well… I didn't take any, but I did walk along side the cart, I feel I deserve some credit for the hardcore dedication I showed) from the trolley, when Fred, George and Ginny arrived with Remus.

"No trouble?" growled Moody.

"Nothing," Remus replied.

"I'll be reporting Sturgis to Dumbledore," said Moody, "that's the second time he's not turned up in a week, getting as unreliable as Mundungus.

"Well, look after yourselves," said Remus, shaking hands all round. He reached Harry's hand before mine and before giving him a clap on the shoulder.

"You too Harry, be careful."

He turned to me and shook my hand; a sparkle was in his eye.

"Behave yourself young lady, don't do anything I wouldn't do."

I grinned, "Huh, so turning into a giant wolf is in? Perfect!" I exclaimed, rubbing my hands together menacingly, "don't worry, I'll only do things that good old, snuffles would approve of." I said, motioning to Sirius.

Hermione sighed, looking at her prefect's badge, "so that means pretty much anything's in."

It took everyone a while to dislodge themselves from Mrs Weasley, but soon we were all saying our goodbyes and hurrying onto the train.

* * *

Just as I stepped onto the train after Fred and George Mrs Weasley yelled out to us.

"Behave yourselves; I don't want to hear you've gotten into too much trouble."

"She never really specified whether it was "too much trouble" in her books, or ours. I think to play it safe it should be ours, which means murder is out, and shaving Dumbledore. I'd love to see him bald, just once," I whispered to the twins, leaning in to make sure she couldn't hear us.

"Excellent plan Jess. We will commence, 'not too much trouble by our standards' tomorrow and sunrise!" George exclaimed.

I laughed, god I love these two boys.

The doors shut behind us and the train pulled out. The figures of Tonks, Remus, Moody and Mr and Mrs Weasley shrank rapidly, but the black dog was bounding alongside the window, wagging its tail. Blurred people at the platform were laughing to see it chasing the train. We rounded a bend and Sirius was gone from sight. He's going to get a bollocking from Molly later. I look forward to hearing about it.

"He shouldn't have come with us," Hermione said in a worried voice.

"Oh, lighten up," said Ron, "he hasn't seen daylight in months, poor bloke."

"Well," said Fred, clapping his hands together, "we can't stand around chatting all day, we've got business to discuss with Lee. See you later."

And with that Fred, George and I walked off through the train.

The 'business' that the twins were referring to is actually discussing our skiving snack boxes. A box full of fake sweets that make you sick, so you can get out of lessons.

It was a fairly uneventful ride. We played exploding snap; Angelina came in and flirted with Fred. Lee attempted to flirt with Angie, but got a clip round the ear for the effort. George was George, he used rubbish pick up lines that had me falling about laughing. Not what he wanted, apparently his newest mission is to make me blush. HA, Jess blushes for NO MAN. Good luck with that.

* * *

At last the train began to slow down and I heard the usual racket up and down it as everybody scrambled to get their luggage and pets assembled, ready to get off.

As I shuffled out of my compartment I lost sight of Fred and George, not a hard thing to do, being the size of a foetus. Being extremely short I couldn't see over the shoulders, let alone heads of the other students, even on my tippy-toes, that's how sad my life is now. You know what I need? A step-ladder, or a scared first year to stand on when ever I need.

I spotted Harry, Ron and Hermione with Ginny and a blond haired girl I vaguely remembered, called Luna and decided to go share their carriage with them.

"What _are _those things, d'you reckon?" Harry asked Ron nodding at the horrible horses that seemed to be pulling the carriages this year, why they didn't just let the carriages pull themselves like they have done for years I don't know.

"What things?" asked Ron.

"Those Horse- "

Luna appeared holding Pigwidgeon's cage in her arms. Ron's tiny Owl was twillering excitedly as usual.

Luna and Ron exchanged a few short words about Pig before Harry repeated himself.

"I was saying, what are those horse things?" Harry said as he Ron, Luna and myself made for the carriage in which Hermione and Ginny were already sitting.

"What horse things?"

"The horse things pulling the carriages!" said Harry impatiently.

Ron looked confused. How could he be confused, there's one about three feet away from him. He's got to be joking. He can't be that idiotic, surely?

Ron gave Harry a perplex look.

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about – Look!"

Harry grabbed Ron's arm and wheeled him about so that he was face to face with the winged horse. Ron stared straight at it for a second, and then looked at Harry.

"What am I supposed to be looking at?"

I sighed, "At the – GAH – _there_ between the shafts! Harnessed onto the coach! GOD RON!"

"It's right there in front- " Harry continued. But as Ron continued to look bemused a strange thought occurred to me, and apparently to Harry as well.

"Can't… can't you see them?"

"See _what_?"

"Can't you see what's pulling the carriages?" I asked, alarmed.

Ron also started to look seriously alarmed.

"Harry, it's not a good thing if you're having the same hallucinations as Jess."

Harry's face paled drastically.

Ron shuffled about a bit, "Are, are you two feeling alright?"

"I… yeah…" Harry said.

"OH! This is ridiculous!" I snapped and grabbed Ron's hand. I pulled him roughly closer to the horse thing and stuck his hand just above its front leg.

He jumped back alarmed.

"_See?"_

I turned to Harry, but he'd already walked off, looking worried and confused as he spoke with Luna.

* * *

Thank god! I've finished it, and believe me, it was so HARD TO DO! I have so much College work at the moment, I swear. They know I was to upload the next chapter, and they're conspiring against me!

Like I said up there (if you didn't read it, go on, the stuff in bold in the importaint stuff) REVIEWWWWW!

I love you all!


	4. How romantic

**Hullo, I just need to quickly say that Jess' last name has changed, and err, that's it. It's now "Whestone" so don't get confused. I did this simply because I didn't like her old name. -le sigh- Yuuppp. Enjoy the fanfiction though!**

* * *

It was the first day of term and I was sitting in the Great Hall eating my breakfast. I was not, what you could call, happy. In fact, I was very, very cranky because I was woken up before 12, a time that in my opinion at least, should be gunned and then dumped into a river.

So as I was saying, there I was, eating my breakfast as peacefully as possible when I noticed Draco's head, just sitting here. On top of that it was so greasy it was actually casting light across the hall, directly into my face, how is that even possible? I don't know, but what I do know is that it really began to annoy me, so I decided to throw stuff at it. I picked up a bread roll and began to quickly dismantle it, I ripped it into tiny pieces, all the while my eyes were focused on the back of his greasy blond head.

I began to throw the bread chunks one by one at him. I noticed that I was quickly gaining a lot of attention. He still hadn't turned around to yell at me, he's no fun. He probably hasn't turned around through the fear that one of the high-speed bread pieces would hit him in his stupid face.

As I threw the bread I noticed that the last piece was strangely shiny and a lot heavier than the rest. It took until a metallic clang sounded through the hall, soon followed by a yelp and "OUCH" for me to realise I had accidentally, though slightly on purpose, thrown a fork at him.

"Hem, hem" I heard from behind me. I decided to pretend I didn't hear it, maybe the thing'll go away.

"Hem, hem?" she repeated slightly louder this time. She just doesn't know when to give up, does she?

When once again I didn't answer, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around, pretending to jump slightly and smiled pleasantly.

"What do you think you're doing?" she asked sternly but in a sickly sweet voice.

An idea formed in my head as I tried to keep the evil smirk off my face.

"I'm sorry Miss, but could you repeat yourself?" I answered in voice that matched hers perfectly, "I'm deaf, you see."

Her eyebrows raised so high up on her forehead that they were practically making out with her hairline. She closed her tiny eyes and took a deep breath, before repeating herself.

"What. Do. You. Think. You. Are. Doing?" She took a great pause between each word, as if she were talking to a four year old. I took offence to this, and it's never a good idea to offend me.

It was my turn to raise my eyebrows this time, "I'm deaf love, not mentally retarded," I retorted in a manner that one would use when talking to someone they didn't like very much. See what she says about that, shall we?

"Excuse me?" she spluttered, obviously not used to being spoken back to, good she's going to have to get used to it too.

"OH!" I exclaimed, "it wasn't me you were being slow for," I smacked my head in mock embarrassment. "It's you that needs to go slow, don't worry dear, there are quite a few of _your _kind around here, I think you'll find them over there." she followed the line of my arm until her eyes came to rest to the Slytherin table. I had thought of pointing at the Hufflepuff's table, but that seemed mean.

She was shaking with fury by this point, "How...DARE you!" she shirked, "_your_ kind?" she wailed like a banshee, "You, young lady will-"

I'm guessing she was about to give me detention, but as luck may have it, Professor McGonagall came to my rescue. Not purposefully mind you, she was just giving out time tables. But she got toad face to clear off none-the-less.

"I do believe, "I said out loud to no one in particular, "that I have made a new friend." I finished earning a few giggles from around the table.

* * *

From a few chairs down I heard Ron groan unhappily.

"Look at today," he groaned again, "History of Magic, double Potions, Divination, and double Defence Against the Dark Arts... Binns, Snape, Trelawney and that Umbridge woman all in one day! I wish Fred, George and Jess'd hurry up and get those skiving snackboxes sorted..."

"Do mine ears deceive me?" said Fred, arriving with George and squeezing onto the bench between me and Harry, opposite Ron. "Hogwarts prefects surely don't wish to skive off lessons"

"Look what we've got today," said Ron grumpily, shoving his timetable under Fred's nose. "That's the worst Monday I've ever seen."

"Fair point, little bro," said Fred, scanning the column, "You can have a bit of Nosebleed Nougat cheap if you like."

"Why's it cheap?" said Ron suspiciously.

"Because you'll keep bleeding till you shrivel up, we haven't got an antidote yet," said George, helping himself to the food from my plate.

"Cheers," said Ron moodily, pocketing his timetable, "but I think I'll take the lessons."

"And speaking of Skiving snackboxes," said Hermione, eyeing Fred, George and I beadily, "You can't advertise for testers on the Gryffindor noticeboard."

"Says who?" said George, looking astonished.

"Says me," said Hermione. "And Ron."

"Leave me out of it," said Ron hastily, looking my way, oh the fun I have in scaring him.

Hermione glared at him. As Fred, George and I sniggered.

"You'll be singing a different tune soon enough, Hermione" said Fred, thickly buttering a crumpet.

"you're starting your Fifth year, you'll be begging us for a snackbox before long -HEY!" he yelled, as I leaned across the table and took a large bite of his crumpet. (Oo-er)

"And why would starting fifth year mean I want a skiving snackbox?" asked Hermione.

"Fifth years OWL year," said George.

"So," I said, "you've got your exams coming up haven't you? They'll be keeping your noses so hard on that grindstone they'll be rubbed off." I finished for George in a satisfied tone.

"Half our year had minor breakdowns coming up to OWLs," said George happily. "Tears and tantrums... Patricia Stimpson kept coming over faint..."

"Kenneth Towler came out in boils, d'you remember?" said Fred reminiscently.

"That's because you put Buladox powder in his pyjamas," I said, laughing.

"Oh yeah," said Fred, grinning. "I'd forgotten about that... hard to keep track sometimes, isn't it?"

"Anyway it's a nightmare of a year, the Fifth," said George, "if you care about exam results, anyway. Fred and I managed to keep out peckers up somehow."

"Yeah...you got, what was it, three OWLs each?" said Ron.

"They seem to think that because I got eight they'll be fine." I said, sighing and rolling my eyes.

"Yep," said Fred unconcernedly to Ron's statement, "but we feel out futures lie out-side of the world of academic achievement."

"We seriously debated whether we were going to bother coming back for our Seventh year," said George brightly. "Now we've got-"

He broke off at a warning look from Harry, who knew George had been about to mention the Triwizard winnings he and I had given them.

"- Now... now I've got Jess!" said George hastily, pulling me into a one-armed, side hug.

"And we've also got out OWLs," Fred added.

"Yes," said George, "I mean do we really need NEWTs? But we didn't think Mum could take us leaving school early, not on top of Percy turning out to be the world's biggest prat."

"We're going to use it to do a bit of market research, find out exactly what the average Hogwarts student requires from a joke shop, carefully evaluate the results of our research, then produce products to fit the demand."

"But where are you going to get the gold to start the joke shop?" Hermione asked sceptically. "You're going to need all the ingredients and material - and premises too, I suppose."

Harry made a large show of dropping his fork before I said.

"We're planning on selling my body to the students of Hogwarts, want a go, Hermione? 4 gallons for an hour." **(A.N that's about £20)**

Ron, who was in the process of putting toast in his mouth, sat staring at me, his mouth half full and agape, as Fred and George sniggered.

"Ask us a questions and we'll tell you no lies, Hermione," said Fred, "C'mon Jess, George, if we get there early we might be able to sell a few Expendable ears before Herbology."

We got up and walked out of the Great Hall, both the twins holding a large stack of toast.

"She was joking, right, Hermione?" asked Ron from behind us.

* * *

Halfway to Herbology Fred turned to me and said "you're very pricey, aren't you, Jess?"

"I have to be, I don't want just anybody buying me, and who would pay 4 gallons?"

"I would," George said, his mouth full of toast.

"How romantic."

"I try."

* * *

I was listening to "Ghost busters" while writing this, WHO YA GONNA CALL?

I AIN'T AFRAID OF NO GHOST.

Oh the fun you have when you are somewhat insane.

Anyyywaayys, please review my fanfiction, that would be WONDERFUL, and well, I likesss them.


	5. I hate being caught

I hate being caught. Not only does it mean I have to sit for ages, using up my own time in detention. But it also means that I get left out of very important things. Like for instance, the Twins are doing a prank on Flich soon, I can't miss that! I need to find them, and quick so that I can create havoc with them.

While I rushed down a corridor I passed a suit of armour. Did I mention that their weapons haven't been replaced, I think Dumbledore finds it funny. Once, when he caught me trying to drag a very heavy sword down a hallway he actually made it lighter, coughed then said "Oh, I think I smell dinner" and walked off like nothing happened. I swear, he _likes_ me doing things that are against the rules. Remember the Tri-wizard tournament last year. When I illegally entered? He seemed so happy, his eyes literally sparkled with amusement.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah, so I passed this suit of armour and noticed that in one of its hands its holding a Tomahawk. How I didn't notice this before I don't know. But I can tell you right now that I'm a very happy bunny. I walk over to it immediately, and try to prise it from the armour's cold metal fingers. It proves harder than I first anticipated, a lot harder in fact. It was almost as if it had been glued on. I put my foot on the wall behind it and tugged as hard as I could. After a lot of tugging I finally managed to loosen it enough for me to pull it out easily.

I held my new Tomahawk in the air in victory, "I AM YOUR MASTER NOW!" I yelled at it, letting it know it's place.

"Hem, hem?" I heard from behind me. Oh-bloody-wonderful.

I turned and smiled at her pleasantly, noticing that she was wearing another one of those disgusting pink cardigans, and I thought Ron's fashion sense was bad. "Just getting something for... Potions." I said, walking off down the corridor in search of Fred and George.

* * *

I never did find Fred and George that evening, but it was okay, because they decided to do the prank when I was around, so all was swell.

I've noticed something recently, it started when I was in Grimmauld Place. Shall we do a flash back? I think we shall

_Flash back, Flash back, Flash back, Falshhhhh back!_

_I woke up early one morning and rolled onto my stomach smiling at the dream I had just emerged from. I had dreamed I was inside a giant bowel of chocolate cake. Only to have to sit up and frown when I noticed I'd rolled onto something, probably a pillow. I propped myself my with my forearms, my eye's still shut tight. I reached under me to find the thing I'd been laying on so that I could move it out of the way and continue to sleep. Finding nothing I opened one blurry eye to look for it myself. _

_After quite quickly noticing nothing was there I sat up. Perhaps a bed spring had come lose? Not to surprising, these beds are ancient. _

_No... Huh, after feeling around for something, anything that had been bothering me and coming up unsuccessful I gave up, hoping sleep would come again easily._

_I collapsed back onto the bed, exhausted. Then, at that moment I realised what was happening. _

_"It's my boobs, isn't it? They're so big I mistook them for a pillow," I muttered to myself._

_I sat up again, this time opening both my eyes. Yep, they're defiantly still growing. Actually... No, they couldn't have. They appear to have grown A LOT over night. But I'm sure that's just me. I looked at the alarm clock that sat next to Hermione's bed. 8:30. Ewww, I woke up before 11 willingly, that's well... unheard of. Stupid Basomas. _

_I looked over to Hermione and Ginny both sleeping soundly on their beds. I don't see the harm in waking them up, they normally get up at nine-ish anyway._

_I got up and shock Hermione and Ginny in turn until they both woke up, yawning, stretching and rubbing their eyes. _

_"Where's the fire, and since when do you get up before lunch?" Ginny asked sitting up in her bed before taking a sip of water from the mug placed on her bedside table._

_I decided to ask them outright, no point in dancing around the houses, right?_

_"Do my Basomas look bigger to you today?" I said, holding my arms out to either side of me, like an aeroplane and spinning once, slowly in a circle. _

_Hermione's jaw dropped as she got out of bed and got real close, oggiling them. _

_"How's that possible?"_

_Ginny stayed on her bed, eyebrows raised. "You've got to tell me your secret! I'll admit, you've always been quite busty, but now you're taking the piss." _

_She shook her head and sighed, "what do you eat? Maybe that's your secret."_

_"Same as you," I replied, shrugging. My eyebrows furrowed together in the middle. I don't see what their deal is. I was a healthy C/D, I probably only moved up one size, double D's aren't unheard of, especially not in my family. Mum's bras practically looked like two large shopping bags tied to her chest. _

_Ginny's eyes widened in alarm, I looked down, half expecting my Basomas to have been growing as we spoke and out to burst. When I didn't see that I looked up to her, one eyebrow raised. _

_Apparently she had mistaken my expression for feeling insulted. _

_"I'm not saying you're fat! I mean, you're tiny for crying out loud. It's just you don't find many 28 tipple EE's out there." _

_I rolled my eyes, "Okay," she said, "I was exaggerating slightly, don't kill me. All I know is that, if I'm correct, and I think I am. You're going to need a new closet of over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder's-"_

_I cut her off, "Okay, okay, I think that's enough. My poor Basomas have been besmirched enough this morning."_

_Ginny was beside herself with laughter. _

_"What?" I snapped, rolling my shoulders in circles._

_"I can't wait until you tell Mum!" she screeched, falling back onto her bed into a new fit of giggles. _

_"Why on earth would I tell her about this?" I asked, trying to ignore her as best I could._

_"Well, how else are you going to get new underwear?"_

_I sighed, "In case you haven't noticed, Ginny, I'm Seventeen years old. I think I can go and buy myself some underwear, thank you very much." I muttered the last part to her and Hermione, who suddenly decided to put her two penneth in._

_"We can't leave here whenever we want, Jess," she stated, "Mrs Weasley is doing all the shopping for us, so you'd have to tell her."_

_She was going to carry on, but I'd heard enough, "There is no way, I repeat, NO way I'm going to even mention the word Bra to Molly."_

_But at that moment Molly walks into the room, "Mention what to me, dear?" she asks, as she collects dirty clothes from the floor._

_"Oh nothing, Molly," I say laughing nervously. But from the look on Ginny's face my effort was futile. _

_I feel besmirched and dirty. Ginny told her what I needed and I was literally attacked when she ran to me, saying between sobs, and I quote "You should never be embarrassed to ask for things like that." At which point Ron came in, with all his nosy glory. _

_"Asking for what?" he smirked, as Harry stood by his side. Ron was looking at me in a way that just annoyed me so much. So I exploded, I wanted to embarrass him by bringing something up that was really girly, but ended up only embarrassing myself. _

_"TAMPONS" I scream, "TAMPONS, you nosy TWAT! Happy now?" He stood there slightly stunned as I walked past him raising my arms in the air in an 'you asked for it' manner._

_I heard him muttering something that sounded horribly like, "somebody is on their time of the month, and it's not Lupin."_

_I stormed down the stairs and entered the kitchen where Remus, Tonks and Sirius sat, all shaking with laughter. _

_"Want some tampons - I mean toast, Jess?" Sirius asked, setting them all off laughing again like fools._

_"If you carry on like that you won't be the only one in this house with the reputation of being a murder" I scowled sitting down with a huff._

_"Oh scary!" Sirius howled, "You gunna attack me with your handbag?"_

_"No, I was thinking something along the lines of force feeding you your fingers and tampons- TOES!" I bellow, smacking my head on the table. _

_end of, Flash back, Flash back, Flash back, Falshhhhh back!_

That was nice. So yes, as you could obviously tell from that, my Basomas have grown. So now I look like I'm smuggling two Quaffles down my top. Well maybe that's over exaggerating a bit.

Anyway, so I've been noticing since this incident that I've been attracting a lot of attention, well actually, I haven't noticed, other people have. And it's not the good kind of attention, like for pulling a good prank or wielding a chainsaw in the middle of breakfast (do you remember that fond memory?) But the kind where guys just look at your Basomas while you walk down a corridor or stare at them while talking to me instead of looking at my face. (There was actually a time where that happened with Dean Thomas, he did it right next to Fred as well, Fred's reaction was hilarious "You know, her face is up there" Fred Hissed, "I suggest you start looking at that before I accidentally put something into your pumpkin juice tonight at dinner." his face was priceless.) And it's not like they have the excuse of being at that level, I'm 5 ft for crying out loud. They're all just big Poo's.

* * *

MERLINS SAGGY PART! That was hilarious! What I just did to Mrs Norris, it was, just... I have to tell the twins!

I ran through the castle as fast as I could, it had been a few day since the first time Umbridge saw me with a weapon. Yep, that's right, the first. She's also caught me taking my maces and other things for walks multiple times. I'm surprised she hasn't done anything about it yet.

I kept running, when the fat lady came into view I practically screamed the password at her and ran through the hole into the common room. A paused just inside with my hands on my knees as I caught my breath. I looked up briefly and noticed that most of the common room was looking in my direction almost apologetically, with a hint of relief in their eyes.

I frowned, "why's everyone-" I was cut off, and that one word that was said changed everything.

"Umbridge." said Lee, pointing towards the ceiling where my dorm could be found.

My eyes widened before I ran up the stairs as fast as I could and barreled through the door loudly just in time for me to see her stand up next to my bed and smile happily at the pile of weapons - No, _my _weapons that where arranged in a pyramid style at the end of Angelina's bed.

She brushed off her hideous pink dress before giving me a sickly sweet smile and saying, "Don't want you hurting anyone now do we? I'll make sure you can't get them again." she gave me another smile, levitated my weapons and with that left the room.

"NOOOO! " I screamed, as I realised what had happened and bolted out the door.

I raced down the stairs two at a time and made it in time to see her making her way through the common room to the door. Trailing in single file behind her a bounty of dangerous objects.

I sank to the floor and grabbed the handle of my new Tomahawk. As I laid face down on the floor, my hands wrapped tightly around the handle in a death-grip I began to get dragged across the floor. I yelled insult after insult into the common room carpet at the toad like creature that was doing this to me.

I felt a pair of hands wrap themselves around my ankles, causing me to lift up off the ground as the Tomahawk got further away. My hands slowly began to slip down the handle of the Tomahawk. I kept a hold of it with all my strength, as if, if I let go, I would die, where in reality I would just fall on my face with soon to be a dead man's hands around my ankles.

The person holding my legs (who I now know is Lee) began pulling the other way until finally I couldn't hold on anymore and I fell to the floor, watching the Tomahawk float through the door, before it closed behind it.

I lay on the floor, face down until Hermione grabbed one of my arms and attempted to pull me up.

"Let me die here," mumbled into the carpet, "my life is over."

"Jess!" she scolded, "stop being so melodramatic, and get up." she continued to pull at my arm before I felt an someone's arm snake underneath me before I was lifted into the air, and then carried under someone's arm like a rag doll. I was carried up a set of stairs into Harry and Ron's dorm. Then I was placed back on the floor, face down as people sat in a circle around me.

"Leave me alone, I'm trying to mourn the loss of the only thing I love, here." I huffed, "Merlin, you're all so inconsiderate."

* * *

Next chapter up and done in three days, you must be so proud!

Anyways, please review, I hope you enjoyed it.

Love you all!


	6. I will kill her, I will be a murderer

"I'm going to kill her! I mean it, I will murder her, I will be a murderer. She will die, she will be dead, no one will miss her, I'm going to kill her." I fumed in the common room one evening. It had been two day's since my precious babies were stolen, and I'm not doing too well.

The sun was slowly beginning its descent into the backdrop of mountain's that framed Hogwarts and it's nearby countryside. I sat in a large plush armchair by the fire, nervously shaking my legs as Harry, Hermione, Ron and the twins discussed my plan of revenge and its faults.

"It's one thing to break into her office, but another thing entirely to go without a plan beforehand," Hermione pointed out, looking up from the book she had recently had her nose in.

"I have a plan," I replied quickly, huffing in exasperation.

"And what would that plan be?"

I paused, ah. I see her point.

"It's called improvisation, it'll make the whole thing a hella-lot more exciting." She looked at me doubtfully, causing me to sigh, "well, I'll make one up on the way there."

"Do you know how stupid that would be? Do you _want_ to be caught and punished, you've seen what she did to Harry."

"She has a point you know," Ron chipped in, glancing at Hermione from the corner of his eye.

"Oh, well, thank you, Ron," Hermione said, shocked. "Well, I think I'm going to bed, Harry, Ron, you should go too. Come on."

Both boys looked at each other glumly before getting up and marching up the staircase toward their dorm's.

I turned to the twins, both of whom had been surprisingly quiet for the latter half of the conversation.

"So? You helping or what?" I asked.

They turned to each other, a look of doubt on their faces before turning back to me, "Wouldn't miss it for the world," they said, echoing each other down to the second.

I grinned at them broadly, "Excellent, I'll get the things ready, prepare for a crazy day tomorrow." with a wave I walked up to my dorm, plotting silently.

* * *

Once in my dorm I got to work on a fabulous plan that I'd been experimenting with before Summer, now I'm angry at myself, if I had done it then, I wouldn't have to go get my weapons back.

I walked over to my wardrobe and opened it up, revealing all my clothes. I grabbed them all and placed them on my bed before turning back to a now relatively empty wardrobe. After clearing out all the chocolate bar wrappers and other weird things from the bottom I got to work on making my wardrobe into a "part-time armoury" or, at least, that's what I like to call it.

Ayana sat up in her bed yawning, "Jess what the hell are you doing? Go to bed." she groaned, flinging herself back into the mattress.

I decided to ignore her and continue on with my armoury, it will be beautiful, I can tell. I stayed up until the early hours of the morning using charms and spells to make it, I also made the little holders that I can place my weapons on. HAHA, try stealing them now Toad face!

After I finished I closed the cupboard door to examine my handy work. On the outside, it looked like any other wardrobe, and the same with the inside, but if you close it and tap it twice with my wand-it has to be mine- it'll open into an armoury packed with all the things I have "collected" over the last few years.

I like to think of myself as a genius. Who else would think of this? No one, and why's that? Because no one's mind is as fantastic as mine.

_Now you're just tooting your own horn_.

"Shush, brain, not now, I don't need anyone to think I'm crazy."

_And the fact that your subconscious talks to you doesn't show that you're crazy, how?_

"No one can read my mind or know what I think, therefore, I'm quite safe."

_Then why to you talk to yourself like you have an audience?_

I sighed, "I'm different, what can I say, in a good way, I'm going to bed now, I'm sick of you."

Exhausted I flung myself on top of my bed and fell asleep instantly, not noticing the worried looks on the faces of the other girls in my room, who had overheard my seemingly one-sided conversation with myself.

* * *

I woke Saturday morning at noon. After quickly getting ready I walked down the stairs into the common room, which was relatively empty. It wasn't surprising, on a day like this most people are outside, basking in the sun.

I approached the twins, both of whom had evil smirks on their faces, the very smirks we all wear when plotting a prank.

"You got it?" George asked, raising his eyebrows.

I nodded as they stood up, making their way to the Great hall for lunch.

Lunch went by quickly, and soon it was time to begin the plan. I feel like cackling madly, but if I do, it may draw attention to myself. Last time I did all the teachers were on red alert, waiting for something horrible to happen somewhere in the school. Why do they still let me go here?

* * *

It didn't take us long to get set up and ready for action. Fred, George and I had put something called "Fainting Fancies" into the Slytherin's drinks while in the kitchens before dinner had started. It's a little sweet the twins and I have been working on for the skiving snackboxes, I think the name speaks for itself, you faint. It's fantastic.

We walked out of the hall as everyone started eating their food and stood by the door, awaiting the signal to get moving.

It took a few minutes for anything major to really happen, but when it did success was written all over it.

Being the horrible people that we are, we made the "mild curry" not so mild. So when the Slytherin's took a few bites of their food it felt like their whole mouths where on fire, instinctively the ones effected reached for their drinks and chugged it down. 5 seconds later and there were dozens of Slytherin's out cold on the floor.

We high-fived before sneaking off up the staircases toward Umbridge's office. We looked around the corners sneaking along like spy's, I got so caught up in this little spy mission that I started sing my own personal spy music as we wandered around corridors being all sneaky.

When we finally made it outside of Umbridge's door I held out my hand to them, motioning for them to wait a moment.

I dug around in my school bag until I came out with my chainsaw, the only thing Umbridge hadn't stolen, thank you Hermione, for confiscating it in the summer.

I shot the twins a wicked grin before revving it to life and aiming it at the door, we stood there for a few minutes as the chainsaw worked its way through the door, then as I moved it, making a nice oval shape for us to walk through.

When I was finished I turned it off and put it back.

"There, that wasn't too hard was it?" I asked, mainly to myself.

Fred looked through the hole in the door, before turning to me with the most serious look on his face before saying, "Why didn't you just open it?"

He placed his hand on the door handle and turned before pushing it open in one swift movement.

"Oh."

Fred rolled his eyes, "you're not the smart one for a reason, and this is that reason." he said, pushing me playfully.

I snorted, "Where's the fun in just _opening it_?" I asked, "just opening it won't leave it damaged and holey, will it?"

"Touché." George said.

I re-closed the door and motioned for them to step through in hole. Heh, heh, anyone else see the dirty side of that sentence? No, just me. You're missing out good sir.

* * *

The inside of Umbridge's office suited her down to a "T", it didn't stop it from being creepy though.

"Does anyone else feel like you're being watched?" I asked, gazing around at the walls, each covered with china plates with kittens on. Much like the all the photo's in the wizarding world, these also moved, and meow-ed it appears.

I was replied to with two swift nods before they both ran off to rummage in her desk for anything they could use to get her imprisoned, or better yet, killed.

I walked across the room, trying to figure out, if I were her, where I would keep around approximately 60 different weapons. I walked over to a large pink cupboard (yes, pink. Everything in this basted room is, from the floor and curtains to her ink in the ink wells.)

There were three cupboards in the room. The first one didn't open at first, but with a firm yank it came open, revealing boxes, after boxes of... wait for it, framed pictures of herself. But not in that Lockhart way we all loved and adored. No, these weren't for vanities sake, these were for her _fantasies_ each picture had her in, standing next to the minister of magic in front a different background. One for example had her dressed in a wedding dress and cutting a wedding cake with good old Corny. Another, they stood on the edge of a forest, with a large sign behind them, reading that all magical creatures had be exterminated. In the bottom left the picture read in swirly letters. "our honeymoon." I didn't know whether to laugh at how funny it was, or cry with how scarred I was going to be for the rest of my life.

I backed out of the cupboard quickly and shut the door firmly. That was horrifying.

Swallowing I braced myself for what could be behind the second and third door. Both seemed to be locked. I approached the one on the end and placed my ear against it, my eyes widened as I called out to Fred and George to come quick.

They each placed their ears to the door.

"So, what does it sound like to you? I'm not crazy am I?" I asked.

"Errr. I sounded like... croaking?" Fred said, looking baffled.

"Frogs, there are defiantly frogs behind there," George exclaimed, his mouth twitching with the beginning of a smile.

"I was right, she is the Toad Queen," I whispered, then broke out into a grin, "this is blackmail material, this is."

"Get out your chainsaw, I want to see," Fred exclaimed. That's not something you get asked every day.

"After we find my children," I replied, already getting my wand out to open the door in the middle_." Alohomora" _I spoke, pointing my wand at the lock.

It opened immediately, swinging open widely and hitting the wall behind it.

"Bloody hell," we echoed.

Not only were my weapons piled in a heap to one side, but a bounty of other treasures lay in there. The room must have had a charm on it, because it was easily as large as her main office with a ceiling that just kept going. At first it didn't make sense to me, she'd only been here for a short while, but still here was enough possessions in her room that looked like it should have taken months to confiscate.

"Whoa," the twins breathed in awe.

George shook his head, as if trying to clear it, "one day we should just come in here and steal it all."

"Or," Fred said, with his thinking face on, "we could steal her toads and let them free in the wild."

"Or," I said, getting a little agitated, "we could get my weapons and do ALL that today?"

"Deal," they said, nodding symmetrically.

We started to pick up my weapons and shrink them down one by one, and then put them in my bag. We would have done them all at once, but we don't know what kind of enchantments she could have put on the room/cupboard., and for all we know, the toads on her cupboard where students who broke into her room.

Damn you over active imagination!

* * *

Once we had finally gotten them in my bag, we stood up and closed the door.

"Alright, now let's see what's behind that last door-" Fred demanded, practically jumping with excitement.

We whipped our heads around when we heard footsteps approaching, they seemed distant, perhaps a corridor away? I peeked my head around the door and seeing that the cost was clear stage whispered "come on!" to the twins and ran out of the room at full speed. Once we had covered quite a lot of ground and were a good few corridors between us we heard a muffled screaming and yelling.

Looks like she noticed, damn and I was really hoping she wouldn't.

* * *

Have you notice I've been uploading more frequently, that's because I'm getting more reviews, reviews make me want to write, which makes me upload. And that boys and girls is how the world go's round.

Review my pretty darlings, I do actually reply to you if you leave a review that's more than 5 words. ;D

Love you all!


	7. They like being knocked out by us

I descended down the stairs and into the common room with the brown paper bag from the twins dormitory to see Fred, George and Lee huddled in the corner, surrounded by innocent looking first years, all looking up expectantly at Fred and George, who seemed to be handing them money.

"Here's the extra supplies from your dorm you wanted," I said, placing the bag onto the table nearby. "Lee, get out of my seat."

Lee rolled his eyes, and stayed where he was, "you got out of it, it's your own fault, get another one," he muttered.

I took a deep breath, "I haven't been gone for longer than two minutes, I will say this once, and only once, this is my chair. There are many like it, but this one is mine. Now move or I'll be forced to inflict bodily harm on you."

After looking me in the eyes and confirming I was being serious, he huffed and slowly rose from the chair, muttering to himself about how annoying 'women' are.

Smiling contently I sat down , sighing. I love being scary, I always get my own way. "Hermione's watching us again," I stated, looking from Hermione's livid face to the twins, "I think she looovvess you."

"I doubt it," Fred said, rolling his eyes. What is this, an eye rolling fest? Have you noticed how often people roll their eyes at me? "We all know ickle ronniekins got dibs on her."

"You can't put dibs on a person," I said, laughing.

"George put dibs on you when we were 10." Fred stated casually, in a completely off-handed way, as he handed the fainting fancies to the first years from the bag I brought down.

Stunned, I looked to George, who had all of a sudden, gotten an interest in his shoes. "If you think I'm going to find that sweet or romantic, you're very wrong."

"Thanks a lot Fred, now she thinks I'm creepy!" George hissed, I have no idea if he was trying to be quiet, but he failed miserably anyhow.

"George, darling, I've always thought you were creepy."

Fred and Lee started giggling madly, as they nudged each other with their elbows, they're so childish.

After handing out the sweets to the first years we stood back and watched our handy work, as one by one, as if hit over the head with an invisible mallet, the first years slouched unconscious in their seats; some slid right onto the floor.

Most people who were watching began laughing; Hermione, however shot up out of her seat and marched over to the twins and I.

We high-fived after taking notes on the clipboards we had so we could record our findings. Having gotten up, Lee stole my seat again. I shot him a quick glare before turning around to meet Hermione face to face.

"That's enough!" Hermione said forcefully to Fred, George and myself. Fred and George looked up in mild surprise.

"Yeah, you're right," said George, nodding, "this dosage looks strong enough, doesn't it?"

"I told you this morning, you can't test your rubbish on students!"

"We're paying them!" said Fred indignantly.

"And they _like_ being knocked out by us," I added.

"I don't care, it could be dangerous!"

"Rubbish," said Fred, batting his hand in the air.

"Calm down, Hermione, they're fine!" said Lee reassuringly as he walked from first year to first year, inserting purple sweets into their open mouths.

"Yeah, look, they're coming round now," said George.

A few of the first years were indeed stirring. They seemed shocked to find themselves lying on the floor or dangling off their chairs. Not that, that's really surprising, they didn't know what they were testing after all. Some of them didn't even want to be here, but after some... persuading from me, they seemed more than eager, of course. I would never mention that to Hermione.

"Feel alright?" said George kindly to a small dark-haired girl lying at his feet. Why do I want to hurt her now? Stupid girl.

"I - I think so," she said shakily.

"Excellent," said Fred happily, as I wrote the results down on my clipboard. But before I'd finished Hermione had snatched both our clipboards and the paper bag of fainting fancies from Fred's hands.

"It is NOT excellent!"

"Course it is, they're alive aren't they?" said Fred angrily.

"As much as I wish they weren't, he has a point," I added, looking at the girl on the floor.

"You can't do this, what if you made one of them really ill?"

"We're not going to make them ill, we've already tested them on ourselves, this is just to see if everyone reacts the same."

"We've all tested them, Hermione, keep your hairy head on, we know it's not dangerous, nothing bad has happened with this batch since it took me a few hours to wake up again - "

"If you don't stop I'm going to - "

"Put us in detention?" said Fred, in an I'd-like-to-see-you-try-it voice.

"Make us write lines?" said George, smirking.

"Expel us?" I taunted.

Onlookers all over the room were laughing. Hermione drew herself up to her full height; her eyes were narrowed and her bushy hair seemed to crackle with electricity, I had to try _very_ hard not to touch it.

"No," she said, her voice quivering with anger, "but I will write to your mother."

I backed up at that, that was WAY below the belt.

"You wouldn't," said George, horrified as he too took a step back from her.

"Oh, yes, I would," said Hermione grimly. "I can't stop you eating the stupid things yourselves, but you're not to give them to the first years."

"You heard her," I said, "no first years, I think I'll be able to round up a group of second years by tomorrow."

"Let me rephrase that, you are not allowed to test them on anyone apart from yourselves, or I'll write to your mother." She said, taking a large pause in-between each word.

"You can try, but you won't get very far without fingers!" I hissed, taking a step towards her. In my eyes this wasn't just an attack on Fred, George and I. But also on Molly. Did she not think about how Molly would feel after hearing about this from Hermione? She would be in a state for DAYS. Not to mention she was hindering the twins chance reaching their dream of owning a joke shop. I just so happen to be fiercely protective of those boys. So can you blame me for over reacting slightly?

Surprisingly, Hermione stood her ground. She was a good 5 inches taller than me, and stood tall and straight as she was, she glared down her nose at me.

Fred and George looked thunderstruck. It was clear that, as far as they were concerned the threat was below the belt. She thrust mine and Fred's clipboards along with the bag of fainting fancies back into his arms and stalked back towards her chair by the fire.

"I told you she was watching us." I muttered.

* * *

Heh heh. See this is why children shouldn't listen to me.

You see, just in front of the common room lies four unconscious first year Gryffindor's. Why are they unconscious you ask? Well because they did something I told them to do. Always a bad move.

You see, I told them that the new Password into the common room is "Perificus Totalus" and must be said with their wands pointed at themselves in unison. Funny days, funny days!

* * *

I hid around the corner of the corridor leading away from the Gryffindor common room and peeked around the corner to watch people's reactions to seeing this.

A large crowd had gathered around the children on the floor. Some were checking their pulses, others were shouting out instructions to the others around them.

"Someone get McGonagall!" one of them screeched.

"Look for any clues" another shouted out to the group.

"Who did this?" another asked to no one in particular.

I stood with my back to the wall behind me, giggling madly. My eyes shut and hands clasped over my mouth as I slowly slid down the wall.

From nearby I heard a clip-clop of heels on the stone floor getting closer and closer. In hindsight, then would have been a good time to get up and run.

But, me being the fearless woman I am, I stayed curled into a ball, lying on the floor, shaking in a fit of giggles.

That is, until I heard the worst noise one can possibly hear when at the scene of a crime.

"Hem, hem?"

Oh... shit.

* * *

I'm sorry! I'm a terrible person for not uploading. But I've had some issues in my life and I didn't really feel like uploading. I know this one's REALLY short, but I'll get the next one up in the next week! Scouts honour!

I love you all!

Pleaseee review!


	8. Dude, you have no face!

It was during Lunch, as I was innocently sat at Gryffindor table, eating a sandwich when I found myself being hauled out of my seat, and practically dragged along the corridor's by none other than Toad Face herself. Surely this is child abuse?

I was marched though corridor after corridor. One of Umbridge's hands was wound into the fabric of my school cloak. The rings on her stubby fingers pressed into the skin of my shoulder, and rubbed harshly with each step we took. A dark figure rounded the corner and stepped into line with our rhythmic footsteps. Snape. His majestic cloak billowing behind him, as he followed behind us closely.

We walked in silence, as I desperately searched my brain what I had been caught for, there was A LOT of pranks I've pulled in the last week or so.

"If this is about petrifying those first years-" I began, only to be interrupted.

"Shut up, you idiot girl." Umbridge hissed, well that's nice. Always a thrill to be insulted by those who are being paid to fill me with knowledge, not that she's doing much of that.

Soon we entered Dumbledore's office, in which was full of teachers as well as the minister of magic himself. Dumbles and Minnie, or Professor McGonagall, if you didn't know. I'm on first name basis. What can I say? I'm a sly cat (HA, pun!) sat, all discussing things in harsh whispers until I walked in.

The look of disappointment and anger was so clear on their faces, it was as easy to read their emotions, as it is reading a book. "You've gone too far this time, Whestone." Snape sneered from behind me. I shuffled, looking down at my feet, before looking up and bringing my eye's level with Dumbledore's bright blue ones.

"It has come to our attention that your latest prank has caused serious damage to a student here in Hogwarts." he began, each word causing a new load of worry to be placed on my shoulders.

Great, now I'm going to be given SO much detention.

"And, err, Professor, which prank are we referring to?" I cringed as I spoke my words, this didn't help my case.

Fudge guffawed. "Doesn't even- are you going to let this child get away with this, Dumbledore?"

I opened my mouth to speak, to defend my case, but at a look from McGonagall I closed it again.

"We have been informed that it was _you_ that placed a label on one of the vials on Professor Snape's classroom with the words "Drink me" on it. Is this correct?"

I paused, deliberating my answer, "Yes, Professor."

"And were you aware of what was inside that pacific vial?" he asked, his words far harsher than I had ever heard them before.

"It was a hair growing potion, for beards and other hair, wasn't it?" I asked, worried now. Trust me to get them mixed up.

Dumbledore sighed, "You see, Cornelius, an easy mistake to be made."

"She still committed the crime, therefore, she still needs to be punished." Fudge replied sharply.

From behind me, Umbridge sighed. "Shall I bring in the _poor_ victim now?" she asked, batting her huge swollen eyelids at Fudge. I almost gagged.

"In a second, Dolores," Fudge answered, as he rolled his weight onto the balls of his feet in anticipation. "First, we must discuss the girl's punishment. Expulsion should suffice."

My heart skipped a beat, before picking up at a hard, quick pace.

Dumbledore merely nodded, before muttering, "Sounds about right."

So this is it then? I'm expelled? I felt like screaming but held myself together as Umbridge trotted off quickly. After a few seconds her voice could be heard, coming back with the "victim".

"Now, now dear. Speak up"

"Nummmmberreee" came a high pitch wailing sound.

She walked back in, and faced the door, an evil glint in her eyes to match the smirk plastered on her face.

In waddled a very short person, making more murmuring wailing sounds.

My mouth fell open as the grey haired person looked at me, not with eyes, no. Because this person had no face. Just a fleshy canvas, covered in silver hair.

"Dumbledore, th-that's not a student." I mumbled.

He looked at me, "Oh?"

I was beyond confused now. "That's professor Flitwick." I said, slowly.

Dumbledore did a double take, before chuckling lightly, "So it is, there's something different about you, have done something with your hair, old friend?"

More mumbling issued from Flitwick. Dumbledore replied with a nod.

From behind me, a croaking noise sounded, getting louder and louder.

I turned, scared, to see Fudge and Umbridge, turning putrid shades of green. Their croaking got louder and deeper, as their mouths grew larger and larger. Soon their croaking turned into words, horrible harsh, guttery words. Said with scratchy, whispered voices.

One sentence repeated over and over again. _"Should have been normal."_

Dumbledore looked from them, to Flitwick, and then finally to me a kind smile on his face "I agree with him, you're expelled."

* * *

I suddenly woke with a jolt. What the HELL was THAT?

I turned over in bed and flicked on the lamp next to my bedside.

Is this what it's like to have a guilty conscience?

It would probably be a good idea if I went down and took the label off of that vial... But, it's just... so far. And I am so lazy.

Angelina's alarm clock suddenly went off. Sending a jolt of shock through me, before she slammed her hand down on it harshly and sat up, groaning.

"Quidditch practise today!" she exclaimed, jumping out of bed and turning to me, "Oh good, you're awake. UP! Get up!"

She's so bossy.

* * *

I know it's only a tiny one, but I'm half way through the next one already, and they had to be separate.

Thank you for reading it.

Pleeeeease review, I will love you forever.

Ps: For some reason I imagine Flitwick to be the kind of person to just drink something for no reason. He seem's silly like that.

I have no idea what he was doing in Snape's classroom. I may have made a new ship... ;D


	9. I'm feeling quite violent actually

Pansy Parkinson. It's _all _her fault! Her and her stoopid face.

Oh. I suppose you need some context, huh?

Well, I suppose I can try and re-tell it. This sucks, my hands already starting to hurt and I haven't even started yet.

So, It all started not long ago, at Quidditch practise. i.e. torture from a crazy Gryffindor. She's worse than Wood was, I swear. At least I didn't have to share a dorm with him. And yes, I am on the Quidditch team. We established this a while ago, keep up.

It was Ronniekins first practise as the new Keeper and he was a little nervous and just downright shit. But this _is _Ron we're talking about. So I wasn't really expecting much.

"Okay, everyone," said Angelina, entering from the Captains office, already changed. "Let's get to it; Jess, Fred, if you can just bring out the ball crate for us. Oh, and there are a couple of people out there watching, but just try to ignore them, all right?"

I stood up slowly, huffing and trudged over to the small cupboard in the changing rooms where the heavy ball crate was kept, with a sullen look on my face. I hate doing things.

"I have a feeling I know who our little visitors are," Fred said casually from behind me. He walked around to the other side of the crate and grabbed a hold of one of the handles, waiting for me to do the same.

"I'm really not in the mood for their jeers. I'm feeling quite violent actually."

Fred, not being the most stereotypical friend, grinned at me as we both lifted the crate. "Excellent, this should be fun then."

I smirked, "Let the bodies pile."

* * *

Once on the pitch, our suppositions were confirmed. There, sitting in the bright sunlight that hit the stands sat the Slytherin Quidditch team and assorted hangers-on, who were grouped halfway up the otherwise empty stands. Their voices echoed loudly around the stadium in a storm of catcalls and jeers.

"What's that Weasley's riding?" Malfoy, my favourite person in the world called, in his sneering drawl. "Why would anyone want to put a flying charm on a mouldy old log like that?"

I set the crate down and turned to the direction the voice came from. "Well, your father married one, didn't he?" I called back.

I'll be the first to admit it wasn't my best insult. But that didn't stop his face from turning a nasty shade of red.

"Don't you dare talk about my Mother, Mudblood!" he roared back.

His words were met with more insults from my Team. Ah, friends. Who else would call someone a "slut-monkey" in your defence. Coming to think of it, it might have been George. Which, and excuse me for turning into a girl for a moment, is freaking hot as hell. Why? I have no idea.

Anyway, on with the story, I got carried away there a bit. Well, as you can probably guess, we practised some Quidditch. That is, after all the primary function of a Quidditch practise. Anyway, it didn't go as smoothly as we would have liked. This was due to Ron's apparent inability to catch or throw a Quaffle. Something, as Keeper you're supposed to be quite good at.

I turned to Katie, my fellow Chaser who was hovering in the air next to me, and had just narrowly missed being hit in the face by the Quaffle, thrown by Ron, "why did he get picked?" I asked.

She made a face that somewhat reminded me of a Squirrel. "He was good on the day we held the trials, I swear. I don't know what happened."

The more Ron messed up, the more the Slytherin's laughed and mocked us. And the more that happened, the worse Ron got. It was like an endless circle. I may kill him.

After a while, they apparently got bored with ruining Ron's chances of ever being happy, so they moved onto Harry.

"Hey, Potter, how's your scar feeling?" called Malfoy. I knew he has a soft spot, see, he cares! "Sure you don't need to lie down? It must be, what, a whole week since you were in the hospital wing, that's a record for you, isn't it?" Oh, maybe not then.

Pansy's face was contorted in a laugh, and well. I kicked her in the face.

It was rather fantastic. I flew over near them to catch the Quaffle. And as I was turning. Clop. Booted her right in the face. She bled SO much. I wish Colin were around, he could have taken a photo and then I could have framed it.

And that's your context. Why I hate her. I have detention now, with Umbridge. I still have to serve the detention for my last prank I pulled, so now I'm alone with her for another week. Brilliant.

So now, here I am. Walking along the corridors to The Toad Queens room. She better not make me read poetry like Snape did before he got scared of me.

I walked, and I walked on and on, until I was met with an odd site. Dumbledore. Oh, he wasn't doing anything, I'm just not used to seeing him out of his office or the great hall. Sometimes I pretend he lives in there.

"My liege." I say, as I bow down to him.

He smiled at me, "Aren't you supposed to be in a detention right now, Miss Whestone?"

I snorted, "I would much rather be here and talk to you about your sock collection," from the look on his face, even though he found me amusing, I guessed that I had to go to my detention. Once again I did a little curtsy, which he did back and then I headed on my way. I swear, that man is insane, and that's why I like him.

* * *

When I finally got to Umbridge's office I knocked once and then walked straight in. I love provoking teachers I don't like. She looked up at me with a glare on her face, obviously angry that I hadn't waited for her permission to enter the room.

Her face quickly changed though, into a sadistic sort of smile. "Yes, yes. Miss Whestone. Come on right in and sit yourself here." I followed her instructions and sat myself in the chair, after what felt like less than a heart beat she was back. This time, holding an odd-looking red quill. I took it from her outstretched claw. Smiling sweetly she places a single piece of paper on the desk in front of me.

"Now, today we will be doing lines. I would like you to write the words," she paused thinking about it before smiling again, "write 'I must be normal' if you could?" I felt like telling her no, because I was illiterate, but as I wanted to get out of here as quickly as possible, I bit my tongue and nodded.

I instinctively raised the quill to the pot of ink that should have been on the corner of the desk. After realising it wasn't there I experimentally scribbled on the edge of the paper. Red ink came out of the quill, much like a Muggle pen would. Shrugging internally I carried on.

'I must be normal' I wrote . I wrote it again, and after the fourth line a felt a nasty stinging on my hand I had placed on my lap under the desk. I lifted it up to inspect it, and to my disbelief noticed the words 'I must be normal' carved into the flesh on the back of my hand.

Alarmed I looked to Umbridge who was smirking at me. "Anything wrong dear?" she asked.

"Not at all. I was just admiring how echo friendly you are. Conserving resources like this. I see you in a new light, Dory."

Her eye twitched, before she looked back to the papers she as marking.

"Umm, how many times should I write this for?" I asked.

She looked up at me, "Oh, I think as long as it takes for the message to _sink in!"_

"Oh good! It has, I'll see you tomorrow then!" and with that I left the room quickly, so as not to be called back.

I'm a freaking genius.

* * *

That night seemed to whizz past, and before I knew it I was back in class, after just having come from Herbology, I was quite content with being sat in Transfiguration with Ayana. That was until McGonagall decided to pick on me.

"Miss Whestone? Did you hear my question?"

I jolted out of my daydream about my whale family, "Err, yes! Yes I did." I replied. Bad move, Jess.

"Would you like to answer it then?"

"I would love to, but the answer to your question is protected by the Fidelius charm, and I am not it's secret keeper."

She sighed before saying, "Does anyone else know the answer to my question?"

As she turned away I turned to Ayana, "Phew, dodged a bullet there, eh?"

"Quick thinking, J-dog."

"Have you ever been to a morgue?" I asked.

"Umm, no, why?"

"Because if you ever call me that again, you will."

"Is that a threat?" she asked, her eyebrows raised.

"No, it's a challenge." I replied.

After that lesson was, no other than Potions, with my favourite teacher, besides Umbridge, the maimer.

You see, Snape dislikes me even more than he did last year due to me encouraging certain easily persuaded portraits to yell "SEX CASE" whenever he walks by. But he never does anything about it. I think he's worried that I'll kill him in his sleep or something. Which is silly. I would want him to be awake for that wonderful experience.

"Today, we will be doing a very complicated potion," he drawled, Instead of listening to him, I decided to doodle on the table with my quill.

I turned my head to the side when I felt a constant nudging in my side to see Ally, a friend of mine from Ravenclaw.

"You called?" I said, looking at her with a bored expression on my face.

"We've started," she said, rolling her eyes. This better not turn into another rolling eyes fest again. "I got all the ingredients for you."

"Thanks," I said, smiling. I looked to the board and a funny idea struck me. Why don't I do all the instructions backwards to see what happens?

Perfect. Well, I'll skip the final simmer and start with Mandrake root.

15 minutes later and my cauldron was producing thick black smoke. But lo-and-behold Snape was doing nothing about it. In fact, he was ignoring all the students who even mentioned anything to do with 'fire' and 'people have passed out'. Quite comical indeed. That, was until I started getting light headed and a blurry vision. Then it wasn't funny any more.

"Professor Snape!" I called, "I did it backwards and now people are dying!" that grabbed his attention. Soon everyone was out of the room and I was being yelled at. AGAIN. Guess who has even more detention? THIS GIRL RIGHT HERE!

* * *

At least the Twins are proud of me. In fact, George snuck into Hogsmead to get my favourite chocolate for a congratulations.

"I kind of wish I did Potions now," said Fred, ruffling my hair.

"Have you eaten the whole bar already?" George exclaimed holding the wrappers up in front of me.

"Maybe, a little. Yes."

He laughed and put his arm around my waist. "That's my girl!"

Hermione being the biggest buzz kill in the history of forever decided to pipe up and interrupt the fantastic snogging session I was surely about to have. "Molly and Arthur have still been sent a letter, you know. I don't know why you're all celebrating."

"Hermione," I said slowly, as if I were speaking to the very dim, or Ron," I set FIRE to the potions classroom, PLUS Snape himself. And it's not the first time either. That's a lot to celebrate about!"

She tutted and threw her main of hair over her shoulder. "Well, I'm not going to argue with you, even though I'm right. Anyway, shouldn't you be in detention now?"

Ahhh, shit. I knew there was something I'd forgotten about. I jumped up, gave George a quick kiss goodbye and ran out of the common room at lightning speed. Or well, a brisk walk, but that's pretty quick for me.

By the time I had gotten to Umbridge's office I was almost ten minutes late. I knocked on the door and waited for her to answer.

"Ah, Miss Whestone, I thought that might have been you. Would you kindly tell me what was so important that you felt it necessary to arrive late for my detention?"

"Oh, no. There was nothing particularly special, I just didn't want to come." I replied, immediately regretting it.

Ah, wrong answer Jess! Who in their right mind would annoy the person that's going to torture you for the next few hours? Me, that's who. And why do I do it? Because I'm NOT in my right mind.

She smiled at me in a way, that made me feel she was killing me over and over again in her mind. I'm quite familiar with that look.

Once again I was handed a single sheet of paper, and her 'echo friendly' pen. "I want you to write 'I must be normal' until _I _think it has sunk in. All right, hm?" she cooed.

I want to hurt her.

I nodded and watched her walk back to her desk before starting. The pain this time was immediate. And worst of all. It itched! I don't think I can deal with this! Pain is one thing, but ITCHING? This woman is a monster!

After about 20 minutes, and a sleeve thoroughly soaked with blood. I decided to have some fun. Switching the pen to my right hand and writing new words that were being written onto my other hand.

'I told you I was a badass' it read. See, I know when to have a little fun.

"Hmm, Hmm."

I looked up to Umbridge to see her smiling at me again, "I think you're about done for tonight." she said.

Looking up at the clock I sighed in relief. I'd only been in here little over two hours, "I'll be seeing you tomorrow, then?"

I nodded and headed out of her office, thinking up new ways to make her puny life hell.

And I've got a few very good ideas. She's going to wish she never entered this school.

This, Toad Queen, is why you do not pick on Jessica Whestone.

* * *

Well, hello! This wasn't my BEST chapter, but it was fun to write.

I have a lot in store for Jess and Umbridge! :D YAY!

Please review. If you haven't noticed, reviews make me more motivated to write. ;D

I love you all, and I hope you liked the chapter!

Tatty bye!


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